Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
