Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
