That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
