Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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