He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
