I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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