I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
