So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
