i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
