I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
