and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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