My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
