Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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