at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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