hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
