im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
