Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
