he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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