Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
