Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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