my sisters under your porch take her home
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
