she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
