when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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