i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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