i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
