only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
