Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
