oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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