I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
