oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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