We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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