If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
