This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
