How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
