The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
