So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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