I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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