Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
