you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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