I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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