I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
