i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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