I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
