I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
