if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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