So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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