Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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