i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
