I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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