Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
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