life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
