The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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