was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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