That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
