I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
