I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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