I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
