I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
