foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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